Friends for the Broken

Happy Friday:

 

After five years of following the same format, today I am doing something different. Below is chapter three of Friends for the Broken, one of the small books I wrote while recovering from my stroke. It’s about friendship, and it contains the list of questions two friends and I have talked through on an annual basis for the last fifteen years. I will be back with a regular Update next Friday.

Taking Friendships to the Next Level

We are three very old friends. We shall not live long enough to make others.

— R.L. Stevenson —

 

Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.

— The Book of Proverbs —

  

“Why did you do all this for me?” he asked.

“I don’t deserve it. I’ve never done anything for you.”

“You have been my friend,” replied Charlotte.

“That in itself is a tremendous thing.”

— E.B. White, Charlotte’s Web —

 

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On his death bed, my dad dictated a letter to Jim Touhey, an old friend. In it he said that the friendship Jim had extended to him seventy years earlier had been a turning point in my dad’s life. My dad shared that he couldn’t imagine where he would have ended up but for the friendship one ten-year-old shared with another. The letter was filled with some of the most heartfelt words I’d ever heard my dad express.

This past Spring, Steve Darby said a few things I found equally heartfelt. Steve emailed me to see if I would be “running” in the Bix, a seven-mile race in Iowa that we had completed together several times over the last few decades.

Steve is my oldest friend. I have pictures of us sharing a playpen together when we were only months old. And between the ages of four and sixteen (when Carol, his then girlfriend and now wife, pushed me to the side – not that I’m bitter), there were probably less than fifty days in total that we didn’t hang out together or at least talk on the phone. After college Steve joined the Air Force and flew F-15s for two tours before signing on as a pilot with American. He’s been based out of Dallas for twenty years, but was willing to fly back to the Quad Cities for the race if I was planning to drive over for it. I told him that I was already signed up. In fact, I’d asked Austin, my oldest son, to send in my registration while I was still confined to a hospital bed. I had decided to use competing in the Bix as the outlandish goal to keep me motivated during my recovery.

Steve and I talked a couple times in the months leading up to the race. Each time he wanted an update on my progress. During one call I cautioned him, saying, “Steve, you need to understand that we can’t ‘run’ this together. In fact, you will need to bring a book to kill the time between when you finish and when I do. Last year you beat me by fifteen minutes. This year you may beat me by more than an hour. I have no idea how long it will take me to run the race, or if I’ll even be able to finish it.”

At which point he said, “Mike, we finish together. I am not coming to run the Bix, I am coming to run the Bix with you. We will finish together. I don’t care if it takes two days.”

We all need friends like Jim and Steve. They encourage us to press on. They make life better. But here’s the catch. My Dad spent very little time with Jim after high school. They got together once a year if at all. And the same holds for Steve and me. We exchange Christmas cards and I’ll drop him a note if I’m going to be in Dallas, but it’s not much more than that. To make friendships work takes time and energy; otherwise even best friends drift away.

I opened this book with four main points: first, we are wired for friends; second, life is better with friends; third, good friends raise us up; and fourth, there are a number of things working against us if we aim for deep friendships. In this chapter I want to focus on another big idea. When it comes to friends, we have to be intentional. Friends like Jim and Steve make us better and they help us through the rough spots. But they do not just happen. We have to make them happen, and we have to keep making them happen.

Becoming Intentional

As I mentioned in the preface, about fifteen years ago I decided to become more intentional with two guys, Roger and Bob. (I’m tempted to refer to them as Squirrely and Clueless, because men generally show affection through jesting – something women find very junior-highish[i] – but I have permission to use their real names.)

They had been spending time together since they were in their early twenties, doing so even after they moved several states apart. I was invited to join their group either because they wanted to raise their game (my version) or because they felt sorry for me (theirs). In any event, we’ve been fairly intentional about being Level Four friendssince that time.

What does that mean? I defined Level Four friends back in chapter one. But what does it look like to be a Level Four friend? For us, it pivots around three things.

Frequent Communication.

I talk with Roger or Bob (or both) several times a week. The calls are not usually very long, and much of the call is filled with banter about sports and day-to-day life, but it’s not uncommon for them to take a different tone. One of us might say, “I’ve got a big decision to make. Please pray for me,” or, “I’m worried about XYZ. What do you think I should do?” We might also ask for accountability around something, “I need to do a better job on ABC. Please ask me about how I’m doing next week.”

Celebration.

Once or twice a year we find an excuse to spend a few days together. It may be someone’s birthday – e.g., when I turned fifty they came to Chicago and we sailed across Lake Michigan – or it may be that we gather just to gather.

Golf and food feature prominently in our time together. So does a lot of time just talking. And at least some of the time talking is an intentional, “deep dive” into how we are really doing.

Diving Deep

The format we follow is not for everyone, and there is nothing sacred about our questions. But over the years we’ve fallen into a pattern that works for us. In advance of getting together we type out answers to a list of questions we’ve developed and send them to each other. Then, when we gather, we spend a couple hours with each guy in the “hot seat.”

We push, pray, and prod. We also confess our sins to each other and then share the grace of Christ over that sin. It is life-giving to be fully known and accepted.

The Questions:

Let me note again, these questions may not work for you. If they are too invasive or if you find the whole process forced, write your own questions or do something else.[ii]  We didn’t start with them. But as our trust level has grown they have become helpful, and we have now arrived at a point where we have  adopted the idea that “any question can be asked and every question will be answered.”

Here are our questions.

Relationship with God. Because this is the central dynamic in our lives, the first relationship, the starting point for all peace and security – we start here.

• On a scale of 1 to 7, how would you rate your relationship with Christ right now?
• Are you trending positively or negatively?How many days a week do you have some sort of private devotional time?
• On a scale of 1 to 7, how would you rate those times?
• What has God been teaching you recently, through this or other avenues?

Relationship with your spouse.  (Obviously, this only applies if you are married).

• On a scale of 1 to 7, how would you rate your marriage right now?
• What would your spouse give it?
• How often do you pray together?
• What one or two other things could you do to be a better spouse?

Relationship with your children.

• How is your relationship with each of your children?
• How could each of these get better?
• What one thing can we pray for each of them?

Regarding your other relationships.

• Which relationships are most stressful for you right now?
• Do you have any or enough relationships that aren’t stressful?
• Other than spouse and family, who has had the biggest impact on your life in general? In the last ten years?
• Do you think you need more accountability in your life, and if so, in what areas?

Regarding your ministry. (Everyone has a ministry, whether they are employed by a church or para-church ministry or not.)

• Do you feel as though you are being a good steward of the ministry gifts God has given to you?
• If you were asked to speak to a group of Christ-followers next week, what topic would you speak on? Why?

Regarding your work.

• On a scale of 1 to 7, how much do you like the work you give your labors to?
• What do you like most and least about that work?
• How many more years do you believe you will do this present work?
• If you could change one thing about it what would it be?

Regarding your money.

• On a scale of 1 to 7, do you feel like you are being a good steward with all God has entrusted to you?[iii]

Regarding your general well-being.

• What have been the high and low points of your last year or two?
• What has given you energy, or recharged your emotional batteries?
• Do you get enough physical activity?
• What are other favorite recreational activities?
• Do you have any ongoing or besetting sin in your life?
• What worries you? Do you lose sleep over these matters, and if so, how often?
• What else might be draining you?
• What are one or two things that you’d like to start doing or do more consistently?

Regarding your reading, viewing.

• What books have you read recently?
• What books have made the biggest impact on your life?
• What other significant media inputs – poems, films or videos, songs, other performances, etc. – have you take in recently?
• What of these other media inputs have made a big impact on your life?
• Any of the above that should be reconsidered?

Miscellaneous.

• What are three things that you are thankful for?
• Are you hiding anything we should know about?
• What is your biggest regret at the moment?
• How might we help you or pray for you over the next 90 days?
• What 3 measurable priorities do you want to accomplish in the next 90 days? The next 180 days?
• What 3 things can you do in the next 90 days that would make the greatest impact in your life right now?

 

Again, these questions are not for everyone. Some of you have a few Level Four Friends with whom you talk about these issues all the time – and you would never dream of formalizing it like we have. That’s okay. My plea is not that you use these questions or follow our format. My plea is that you are intentional about having a few good friends – friends who lift you up and friends with whom you can discuss these kinds of issues. We all need people in addition to our spouse who can help us grow, and who can help pick us up when we get knocked down.

Take some sort of small step his week.  Invite a neighbor or acquaintance over. Join a small group. Come to Men’s Fraternity or Women’s Bible Break or MOPS at Christ Church. Invite someone to lunch with the attention of deepening friendship.

Don’t simply be frustrated if you do not have the kinds of friendships you want. Take a small step. It’s worth the risk. Life is so much richer with friends.

Closing Prayer:   Dear Lord, today I thought of the words of Vincent van Gogh: “It is true there is an ebb and flow, but the sea remains the sea.” You are the sea. Although I experience many ups and downs in my emotions and often feel great shifts and changes in my inner life, you remain the same. Your sameness is not the sameness of a rock, but the sameness of a faithful lover. Out of your love I came to life; by your love I am sustained, and to your love I am always called back. There are days of sadness and days of joy; there are feelings of guilt and feelings of gratitude; there are moments of failure and moments of success; but all of them are embraced by your unwavering love. Amen. (Henri Nouwen – 1932 – 1996)

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[i] Men employ what Roger refers to as “the rules of inverted encouragement,” a form of communication that few women understand. It’s hard to explain to them that by making fun of someone’s golf swing, receding hair-line or expanding waistline that you are really saying, “I like you. Let’s be friends.” Following the rules of inverted encouragement, a belittling nickname is a way of saying “You’re great,” and saying something like “You don’t sweat much for a fat guy” is a way of being kind.

[ii] Before The Questions, we did something we called Two Plus One. It worked this way. We put someone in the “hot seat” – we’ll say Roger.  Then I shared an affirmation, a challenge and an affirmation for him. I’d start with an affirmation, “Roger, you do … very well” or “I’ve always been impressed with your commitment to…”.  I would then share a challenge with him. “I think you need to work on…”.  I would then finish with another affirmation. Then it would be Bob’s turn to share an affirmation, a challenge, and an affirmation with Roger. Next up, I’d go into the hot seat. It can easily take a couple hours to work through this with just three people.

[iii] It’s worth noting that people often feel more threatened by questions about money – i.e., how much they make, how much they give, how much they spend – than they do about questions about sex.